Monday, June 15, 2009
Children During Divorce
I have found that a great deal of study has been given to knowing more about the impact of divorce on children, while researching for my paper, is divorce always detrimental to children? While there is growing agreement among researchers and practitioners about the effects of divorce, there is still a lot we don't know and can never be 100 percent sure of. We have not reached a point that we know the exact impact of divorce on a specific child. What we do know is that the impact will vary with each child depending the child's age, gender, maturity, psychological health and whether or not other supportive adults are able to be a regular part of their lives. Divorce continues to waiver between 50 and 60% of all marriages. Unfortunately, many divorces also involve children and i want to know what the outcome come from the children. And what i seem to find the most about divorce is the biggest problems that divorce imposes on children is the decision of whom to live with. Usually parents divorce when children are small and the children have no say in where they go, so how does which parent living with effect the child growing up. Since the child cannot choose, this leads to custody battles that end in split custody or joint custody. Whatever the choice may be between the two types of custody, either will prove detrimental to the child. However, there are some generalizations that apply in nearly every situation. and i was wondering if anyone as had any experiences being involved or knowledge in divorce and what effects on the children growing up has done.
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Brandon, what are the "generalizations that apply in nearly every situation"? When asking people to share their experiences, are you looking for those generalizations?
ReplyDeleteThe effect of divorce is so subjective, and I think you're absolutely correct when stating "the impact will vary with each child." Because each child is so different, I'm not sure the point will ever come where we know the exact impact. Also, not only do factors pertaining directly to the child, like age and gender, have an affect on the child's response, but also how the parents respond, family dynamics, and family economic situation can greatly affect the child.
I also believe when asking us to delve into our maybe not so pleasant pasts, you need to take into consideration that some people may not have reconciled with it enough to even articulate their feelings, and also the private-ness of the experience being asked to share on such a public forum.
My father's parents were divorced due to an abusive relationship. While it was ultimately done to protect the children, and the children involved would be better off in the end because of it, some of them still struggled. One of my aunts (she was the youngest when all of this happened) is even in denial about how abusive things were while each of the other siblings have come to grips with it. While I cannot blame all of my aunts and uncle's problems on the divorce, I have seen one of my uncles go through a rough divorce and another aunt go through major drug addictions and an otherwise rough lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteSo, in some cases, divorce is necessary and is done to benefit the child, but in the end, the child may still suffer emotionally because of the impact of the situation. Again, there are exceptions to everything, but generally speaking, no matter the intent, divorce is detrimental. It's just best to do it right the first time.
I agree with several comments made by those who have written earlier. My friend's parents got a divorce when he was really young. His parent's divorce had a HUGE effect on him. His other brothers and sisters were quite a bit older than he was and they haven't suffered any damages from it. My friend has depression like crazy! He has yet to find medication that will work to fix it. He has gotten into a lot of trouble with drugs, alcohol and other things that he shouldn't be doing. But I don't think you can say that it is thanks to the divorce that his life is miserable.
ReplyDeleteI think that he could have been fine if he would have had more attention from his mom while he was growing up. I think he felt kind of alone when his dad left, but he never really had a lot of communication with his mom. So i think that even though divorce can have huge effects on children, parents can also help by being positive, and helping the kids get through it. And of course I am sure there are cases where a child still may have side-effects from divorce even if their parents are supportive. But I think there are many outside factors that can have an effect on why these kids suffer from depression and drug abuse later in life. The same thing could happen to a family where the parents stay together. It's a tough issue to be sure about.
When I was growing up my parents were having serious marital problems. Somedays all they did was yell at eachother, but those days were sometimes better than the days that they wouldn't even look at eachother. There were many underlying things going on in their lives but I was to young to understand what was going on. So I escaped through my friends and spent little time at home only seeing my parents maybe a few hours a day. I didn't know my dad or like him, and I only went to my mom when I needed something, but she was so busy trying to be away from home that I rarely had any support growing up. I was the youngest of the family by about 4 years so my siblings all grew up and moved away leaving me in the house with two strangers that didn't know or understand me. Eventually they were able to work their problems out but as a result of them staying together even though they hated eachother I pretty much grew up alone. I don't know that divorce would have been the answer because I now have a great relationship with both of them but only through much counseling and tears, which would probably have had to happen if they got a divorce as well. I wonder if I would have gotten closer to them quicker if they had divorced; maybe I would have gotten more attention, I don't know. However, both my parents are happy and in love again, and they might not have had that if they'd been divorced. Both situations have detrimental effects, and I think those come in when the adult figures in a childs life become unstable. In any situation where the adults are no longer around or emotionally available a child is going to be negatively affected.
ReplyDeleteAlso in response to Alfie's post, I agree that it could be very difficult to post things of this magnitude in such a public forum, especially for individuals who have not been able to work through these issues yet. However, I think, especially for me, it can help at times to share these experiences with others and to talk about them. For me it kind of relieves the burden of carrying them around all by myself and it can be freeing to admit that, yes this happened to me. I think it can be part of the healing process as well.
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